Health and fitness are obviously very important, but cultural imperatives such as achieving a "summer" body that you can flaunt on the beach have little to do with either. (And I say this as someone who has written a few articles on the subject, however well-intentioned.) Indeed, exercise and good nutrition may seem good in and of themselves, but can, in excess, be problematic. What might be a healthier goal, then, is achieving a better body image: not a shirtless photo on social media, but rather the image of your body that you have in your own mind. Because you can conform to society's standard of lean, muscular male beauty and still feel like crap: I once transformed my body for magazine photos—but the image in my mind, not so much. And chances are it's your mind, not your body, that needs a transformation.
01. Focus on function, not form
“Thinking about what your body does, not what it looks like, can be a step toward a more positive attitude about it,” says Charlotte Markey , a professor of psychology and health sciences at Rutgers University in Camden, New Jersey, and author of The Body Image Book For Boys (in English). Indeed, it's impossible to take a step or feel anything without your body—which, when you think about all the things it can do, is pretty amazing. One study (in women) found that writing down ten bodily functions, so to speak, and how they contribute to well-being improved body image. That's the first...
02. Practice gratitude towards your body
"Make a list of body parts you like or can appreciate," says Professor Markey . Then review it when you catch yourself criticizing yourself, or even every day when you make a habit of brushing your teeth (regardless of your feelings about them).
03. Evaluate your values
While not caring about your appearance at all probably won't do you any good, neither will caring too much. The amount of time and energy you devote to it is, according to Professor Markey , your choice. Either way, you should try to live what you value. So ask yourself: What do you value? Appearance or health? What do you want to achieve in life? What do you want others to appreciate about you? Are you interested in the people around you because of their appearance or for other reasons? Do you really want to take your values from industries that don't value you?
04. And set your goals accordingly
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) suggests that you're more motivated to achieve—and be satisfied by—goals that reflect your values. If exercising to get a flat stomach doesn't align with your taste for, say, socializing, "you're less likely to want or enjoy the process," says M. James Downs , a yoga teacher and psychologist-in-training who found ACT helpful while recovering from an eating disorder.
05. Don't beat yourself up
If you view exercise as an obligation—or a punishment—you won't enjoy it and you won't be more likely to do it, says Professor Markey . Instead, think of exercise as a form of self-care, something good for your health, or even something that makes you feel good (even if only afterward). Health-based exercise motives are associated with greater exercise consistency than appearance-based motives.
06. Understand that health and fitness are not always synonymous with health
There's plenty of evidence that exercise and good nutrition can improve physical and mental well-being. "But things can go too far," says George Mycock , whose experience with eating disorders and muscle dysmorphia—a pathological preoccupation with muscularity—led him to found the organization MyoMinds . ("Myo-" means "of or relating to muscles"). The MyoMinds podcast features discussions with experts by training and experience (and, indeed, this author). The book Orthorexia by sports dietitian Renee McGregor , who works with athletes who have developed unhealthy relationships with food, does a good job of explaining how efforts to eat "clean" can go wrong.
07. Adopt the set point theory
The media can make it seem as though only one body type is desirable, or even acceptable ( Love Island, for example ). Conversely, the real world is populated by an abundance of body types, not all of which exclude their inhabitants from success, romance, or happiness. As uncomfortable as it may seem, some of us are more predisposed than others to building muscle and burning fat (and working in body-oriented industries). According to "set point theory," our bodies want to hover within their own genetically determined weight range. According to Professor Markey , you can't necessarily determine a person's health or habits from their body. It's true that you can radically change your body through exercise and diet, but only within defined parameters such as height and build. And is the result really worth the time and effort? That's for you to decide.
08. Separate the image from reality
“To me, ‘health’ doesn’t look like the cover of a fitness magazine or the edited images flooding Instagram,” says personal trainer Mr. Al Jackson , who advocates “body neutrality” (see issue 33). In fact, according to Mr. Jackson , these so-called health images contribute to many men’s poor body image, which can lead to eating disorders, muscle dysmorphia, and steroid use. And besides, he says, “being shredded sucks”: the discipline required takes a lot of the joy out of life.
09. Be careful what you wish for
Changing your body doesn't always produce the desired result. "I thought being thin would make me more confident, more attractive, and more fun," says Dave Chawner , comedian and author of the book Weight Expectations , about his recovery from anorexia. " It did the opposite."
10. Moving closer to wholeness (and away from deficit)
Do you choose ways to exercise or move because they make you feel good, or because you don't feel good enough in yourself? The philosophy of yoga, which teaches that we are inherently whole and sufficient, helped Downs establish a more positive relationship with exercise. According to Jackson , there are many good reasons to move that have nothing to do with appearance: improved longevity, quality of life, sleep, energy levels, posture. (OK, that last one has a little to do with appearance.)
11. Find your (true) motivation
To be honest, I don't always know whether I want to exercise because I'll feel good if I do it or because, out of obligation or concern for other people's opinions, I'll feel worse if I don't. "Often, the reason we feel inadequate about our bodies is because we feel inadequate in general," Mycock says. Meditation helps him be aware of how he feels about his body, and journaling helps him understand why he really feels this way (as does therapy—see below). Knowing this can be a step toward change.
12. Avoid suffering
Contrary to popular belief, pain is not a prerequisite for gain, Mycock says. And you're not weak, as he once believed, if you make it through the day without vomiting or passing out. Athletes don't push themselves to the limit in the gym. You probably shouldn't either.
13. Give “should” a thumbs up.
The idea that we "should" exercise or treat our bodies in a certain "correct" way can, Downs says, add to the pressure, reinforce self-criticism, and make the many and varied alternatives available to us seem less than good. So instead of asking yourself what you should be doing, ask yourself what Downs does to stay creative and celebratory in his own movement practice: "What could you be doing?" Jackson advocates enjoyable exercise or movement outside the gym: a hike with friends, a dance party with your kids, "couples acrobatics" in bed.
14. Cultivate compassion
What would you say to a friend who feels guilty about skipping a workout or deviating from their diet? Probably something kinder than what you'd say to yourself. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT), which helped Downs establish a more positive relationship with her body, emphasizes three "flows": to others, from others, and for ourselves. Noticing when your flows are out of balance is the tributary that allows you to treat yourself as kindly as you would others.
15. Don't worry
A missed workout or a "nutritionally suboptimal" meal won't set you back your goals, but an injury or completely abandoning the habit of eating well will.
16. Train like a kid
“Train like a kid” isn’t a credo you’d necessarily expect from a former Marine commando turned movie-star trainer. But as Simon Waterson explains in his book Intelligent Fitness , it’s a healthy and sustainable practice. As adults, we rarely allow ourselves to do things just for the sake of it, or to stop when they’re not. And not every exercise session has to be structured or goal-oriented. Waterson warmed up partly by throwing a rugby ball at him for half an hour, during which the trainer assessed his longtime client’s readiness—or lack thereof—to work out and adjusted the scheduled workout (a word that implies the opposite of play) accordingly. Sometimes, Waterson writes, a 30-minute “kickabout” session can be more beneficial.
17. Think about the children
I have two daughters, aged five and three, and their complete unawareness of their bodies is so wonderfully pure that I want to protect it as long as possible, and reclaim some of it for myself. They inspire me not to be weird about food or to put down my body or anyone else's. I'm also mindful that other people don't behave that way. And I'm grateful for the things my body can do, like pick up my children and carry them on my shoulders, that it won't always be able to.
18. Watch your language
Words carry weight, whether you say them jokingly or not out loud. If you criticize your body—that is, yourself—enough times, you'll come to believe it, Mycock says.
19. Don't look at yourself in the face
By admiring your body in gym mirrors, you're only creating an addiction to this behavior to feel good, according to Mycock . On days when you don't look as big or as thin, you'll feel bad. Baggy workout clothes and headphones can help you think about feeling good rather than looking good, says Jackson , who warns that scales and "calorie-burning" features can be useless in this regard (not to mention inaccurate).
20. Build a pyramid
Self-esteem based entirely on body image is, according to Mycock , "like a pillar." An injury, a vacation, or any other obstacle to maintaining your physique can bring everything crashing down. Instead, he says, build on your other sources of worth—being a good friend, partner, or parent, for example, or your career, your skills and interests, your intellectual abilities, your sense of humor, your spirituality. (He keeps a list of accomplishments that have nothing to do with his body or the gym.) A broader base, "like a pyramid," makes you less likely to wobble.
21. Take a positive approach
Professor Markey recommends aiming for "approach goals" (things you want to do) rather than "avoidance goals" (things you don't want to do). For example, try eating more nutritious foods—say, one or two extra servings of fruit or vegetables a day—rather than never eating junk food. Some things are difficult to consistently avoid, which means failure is too.
22. Don't crunch numbers
“Nutrition is a science, but food shouldn’t be scientific,” says Anne Richardson , a registered nutritional therapist qualified in eating disorders, who shudders when she sees weekly meal preps on social media. We’re not machines with constant day-to-day needs or wants: eating should be more intuitive than obsessively weighing food, scrutinizing labels, and organizing your life around your diet. Take pleasure out of the equation and you’re likely to get bored and binge on foods labeled “off limits.” Instead, she points to chocolate, ice cream, and the like as “pleasure foods” to be eaten in moderation, knowing they’re not the most nutritionally rewarding but very tasty, rather than constantly avoiding them, which risks obsession and overconsumption.
23. Maintain a balance between training and personal life
"For a body, or a lifestyle, to be considered healthy, there has to be balance," Jackson says. When he's in Rome on tour with Muse , he consumes pasta, ice cream, wine, and cheese. And he won't beat himself up to make up for it, but rather will move his body (gently) and rest. Balance (like the body) is different for everyone: Don't miss out on life because you think you have to look a certain way before you can live it. Make memories. Go swimming.
24. Filter out negative influencers
Pay attention to TV shows, magazines, websites, or social media accounts that make you feel bad about your appearance, and then tune them out. What body image specialists call "protective filtering"—avoiding negative influences—doesn't just apply to the media, according to Professor Markey . But the media offers a nearly unlimited scope for comparing ourselves to others—a tendency that psychologists believe is natural but, thanks to modern technology, can now occur on an unnaturally large scale and constantly.
25. And find the positive points
This process of "social comparison" occurs more with "similar peers," whom we less readily view as unrealistic ideals than celebrities or models. Social media, which blurs the lines between celebrities and peers, can therefore be particularly harmful. But, according to Professor Markey , in addition to the unique challenges it poses, social media also offers opportunities for protective curation. Rather than following flawlessly shaped fitness influencers, you might, for example, follow body-positive activists (#bopo), experts like the ones mentioned here. Or simply more people who wear shirts.
26. Realize that being fit is a full-time job
When looking at celebrities, models, and influencers, keep in mind that, like Derek Zoolander , they are professionally beautiful. This isn't to discount their hard work. But they benefit considerably from what I consider "body privilege," including good genes and committed help: Physical therapists, personal chefs, photo editors, and sometimes even a surreptitious CGI airbrush. When people ask if they, too, can look like James Bond or Captain America , Waterson says yes, it's possible—if they have the benefit of his guidance, dedication, and the genetic potential of his clients. It would be more beneficial, however, he writes, not to try to replicate his clients, but to use them as inspiration to become the best version of yourself. The only way to have a body like Mr. Brad Pitt 's in Fight Club , as I so ardently desired at the age of 16, is to get a time machine, travel back in time, and be born as Ma and Pa Pitt .
27. Play with the hand (and other body parts) you have
"It's easy to compare yourself to others and wish you had a body like them," Chawner says. "But you know what? You're not like them. Stop trying to have someone else's body and enjoy yours."
28. Mantra up
When Professor Markey has a bad body image day—which happens, even to experts—she returns to one of her mantras: "I'm a middle-aged woman, a professor, a wife, and a mother of two teenage boys—and I'm doing great. The people I really care about don't care much about how I look." Formulate your own affirmation that emphasizes self-acceptance. Stick to it.
29. Give up
One of Downs 's mantras is "you don't have to stay where you started just because you started there." Familiarity is comforting, he says, and changing your goals, and what you do to try to achieve them, can make you feel like a failure. But stopping something that isn't working and looking for another path is actually a form of resilience. You may find that a different form of exercise allows you to be comfortable in your body, not denigrate it.
30. Follow your own path
Having struggled with an eating disorder, Downs spent much of his twenties trying to catch up on all the fitness goals he thought he'd missed, which led to exhaustion and a lack of awareness of how his own body worked. Make your movements and exercises work for you, he says, instead of following someone else's ideal diet. Learn to listen to your body, says Jackson, trust it, and respond to its needs as they arise.
31. Don't buy it
Insecurity sells, especially when it comes to sex (hence all the ads for penis-enlargement lotions, potions, and surgeries). The fitness industry, like many others, capitalizes on inadequacy—the "extreme aesthetic" it promulgates is, according to Jackson , "a tool to sell products and get likes." Too-good-to-be-true workout plans and supplements, especially if accompanied by messages about body dissatisfaction, are "red flags."
32. Consult an advisor
If you feel your body image concerns are serious, you should, according to Professor Markey , seek help from a specialist professional. Charities such as the National Eating Disorders Association in the US, Beat Eating Disorders in the UK, and the Butterfly Foundation in Australia are good sources of information. Therapy hasn't stopped Mycock from feeling bad about his body, but it has helped him understand and be honest with himself.
33. Be neutral about your body
The external pressure and internal criticism we all feel about ourselves is exhausting. That's why taking a "neutral" stance—not having to hate your body or love it—can provide respite. "I don't like the body-positivity mantra of 'always love your body,' because it's another unrealistic expectation of the body," says Chawner . "There will be times when you don't totally love the way you look, and that's okay." Love your body instead.
Illustration by Mr. Harry Haysom
Text by Mr. Jamie Millar
